Back Again?

It has been ages since I have last written. Too many and too little things have been happening since. Most of it I don't really care for. I'm tired. Others will tell me there is no reason to be, and that may be so, but try convincing my stubborn mind.

The most significant thing that has been happening so far is my attempt at writing a story. The more I write, the more pathetic my writing seems. I'm told that that is a common feeling and that I compare too much with others. I can't help it.
By the way, Wawa Ji, I will be sending it to you soon.
I think i'll get back to writing now...

ugh...

must write...
can't find time...
stupid facebook taking up all my time!
i need to abstain from going on there anymore....

I'm getting tired of looking at naked men...

Anatomy has a way of getting into one's head and laying an imprint on the inside of the eyelids, so there is no escaping the images.

I would really like to say more, but lately, i've been very blank. I'm just completely enervated. Who would have thought that trying to accomplish things you don't really want to accomplish is so energy draining?

What is the ideal mate? Most people, that i've asked this question to, delve right into either physical details or little miscellaneous details: nice, caring, humourous, strong, accepting, easy-going, etc.
This is all very good and peachy, but it's very ordinary. Things like this don't necessarily draw a person, and if they do, it doesn't last long. There is one vital aspect in a person that may make them the ideal mate. That's not to say that the one aspect is entirely independent of all the other small things. If a person were to have that one aspect and yet be very rude and difficult, they would most definitely not be the one.
As for what that certain aspect is, I have not yet been able to define it. It seems to me that it differs greatly from person to person. It is something that graduates a person from the status of compatible to imperfectly perfect.

In my own case, I feel I have realized what this aspect is. Again, I still am not able to define it. Yet, besides that one special characteristic, I have learned that a few small things tend to draw me more than others: passion for morality, surprise, and a sense of humour that allows pranks. I do love surprises and pranks....

This just isn't working....

I feel like such a failure! An entire summer gone, a full three months, and all I have to show for it is one painting and one poem; both of which are so pathetic, i'm ashamed to show it. My mother suggests that it may be because i'm stressed out, but what is a writer or artist that can't work under pressure, right?

On top of this is the horrible, inexplicable sense of dread that has been growing steadily for who knows how long. I'm sick of being afraid! I can't tell anyone because I have no explanation to give. Tell someone of fear without a solid cause, and they'll brush it off as far too insignificant, childish, and a waste of time.

Meteor shower tonight....I so dearly wanted to see it! But ofcourse, just my luck, the sky is far too cloudy to be able to even catch a glimpse of one of the many, many meteors that are supposed to be zooming across the sky tonight. I'm so frustrated, I could strangle something!
As immature as this may sound...It isn't fair!

"Only fear fear itself." If only that were possible. One is always limited by human weaknesses. I'm no exception, unfortunately. Fear, hesitation, insecurity...such things are immortal. There is no way to be rid of them. I wonder how others live so peacefully with such things hanging over them (I'm assuming that others experience problems similar to me). I wish I knew their secret.

M Continued.

M had a history of getting into disagreeable situations with people, whether they be of her own age or adults. She herself did not know how it seemed to happen. It just did. Though there were plenty of opportunites for her to learn to defend herself, her guardians all too often chastised her when she tried to oppose anything. As a result, she never learned to speak cleverly and make witty comebacks. Yet, she could not stay entirely passive either. Her lack of communication only increased her tendency to defend herself by physical means.

M often watched others fight and, during solitary moments, would practice various techniques on her own. She strove to develop muscles and endurance. The problem with all this, though, was that she was terribly lacking in self control. As she grew older, her situation grew worse, and so did her lack of control. She often allowed her temper to get the best of her during difficulties with her guardians. This alone would not have been so hard on her if it were not for the fact that she also possessed a relentless conscience. M hated her lack of control and would lock herself alone in a room and attempt to punish herself for any damage or hurt feelings she may have caused anyone else. Much of the cuts, bruises, and loss of tears (not to mention hair pulled out) was due to her inner turmoil.

With great difficulty and much time, M managed to bring her temper under control, even at the cost of her emotions. As she could not entirely control her feet and fists, M worked to rid herself of strong emotions. She refused to show strong anger or any other emotion, for that matter. The practice tore her from the inside out, and she would often find herself in a corner of an empty room, her knees pulled close to her, rocking back and forth, chanting "i won't give in; I won't give in!" as she fought back tears.
Unfortunately for M, those around her found her lack of emotion disturbing. What was the poor girl to do?

brishti te bhijte khub icche kore

Let's try something different.
We've all heard of the great, brave warrior princess Xena(or atleast, i think we all have). She's probably one of the only female warriors of the truly violent type that most people know of. I'll begin telling of a young girl, a possible princess, that was not so great or brave, but was violent nonetheless.
Let's refer to her as M, to protect her privacy.

I'll have to finish this later.
To be continued....

VIVA ESPANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!